Changing Our Ways (KIRA)

[Lotus]

Saga watched Ash as he drew closer and knelt down in front of her. She watched him with such intent that she nearly missed what he said to her. He spoke so quietly and the way he looked wasn't the Ash she knew. He looked different and he acted different. She flickered her gaze away and dropped her head down slowly as she slowly moved her hand to touch his where he'd left it hovering in the air. The slight touch still sent spark's down her hand but she saw Ash's eye's cloud over.

She lifted her head up slightly to watch him again, and all he seemed to be doing was reigning something in that he needed to let out. The way he inspected her hand and wrist with such caution was strange, the way he was at a loss for words when he spoke to her, it didn't make sense. "Are you scared of me?" She voiced quietly and he looked utterly shocked, but the way he was acting just implied he was. "Or do you not feel the same anymore? Have I caused too much trouble that you-" Her words were cut off by the abrupt covering of her lips with one of his fingers.

[Deleted]

Ash was shocked and he couldn't hear her say those things. They weren't true and he was suddenly very angry at himself for having given her that impression. How could he have? He had meant to protect and love her but instead he had made her feel like he didn't. He shook his head swiftly and looked into her eyes. Her lisp felt warm against his fingertips and a strange but pleasant feeling went through him.

"No. Don't say it because it's not true. Saga, I am not scared of you at all. You haven't caused too much trouble. " He sighed softly, he knew he had to tell her why he was acting this way but he didn't want to have to do that. "saga... I love you... I always will... and I am scared but not of you. I'm scared of myself. I'm scared that I'm going to do something that will hurt you, that will make you hate me..." He paused for a moment and took a breath. "make you stop loving me... if you still do..." He trailed off and glanced away, not wanting her to see his eyes. He couldn't believe that he had just said all of this to her.

[Lotus]

Saga's eyes widened and she felt tears fill them as she pulled her hand from Ash's grip and cupped his face. She didn't know what to say. How could he feel that he'd hurt her when all he'd ever done was try and protect her. She didn't know what he thought when he looked at her anymore, she didn't know what he thought when he saw how banged up her body was with all her bruises. The only thing she really knew now was that he was hurting and she hadn't known until this moment the extent of that hurt.

A lone tear slipped down her cheek as she shook her head. "I'm sorry..." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "I'm never going to not love you and I could never hate you." She finally opened her eyes and looked down to him. "You've saved me, you could never hurt me. I promise." She couldn't look him in the eye as she said the next part, "I know I'm not much fun to be around 'cause of everything and I know how much you want to make me feel loved, but I just don't know how to do that any more. It was so painful and scary that I just don't think I can let myself overcome it. But that doesn't mean I don't love you. That doesn't mean you can't hug me or hold my hand." She took a deep breath as she looked back up and let a sad smile cross her lips. "I need you."

[Deleted]

Ash was a little shocked about what she was saying. But at the same time it felt nice to have her close to him in that way, even if she was the one in control of it all. But why on earth was she apologising? None of what had happened was her fault and there was no way she could see it that way. It was his fault ultimately but he couldn't say that now. He found himself smiling despite this though; she still loved him and that was the most amazing thing in the world. But he saw the sadness and the pain in her eyes and he knew he had to forget about himself and focus on her.

"don't apologise..." He whispered gently. He gently reached out a thumb and wiped away the tears that fell down her beautiful face. "Please don't think like that because as long as you are around I'm happy... and i promise you that I am never going to do anything to hurt you in that way Saga, I know you can't be like that and I'm fine with that. I honestly and truly am fine with being like that because it means that you can be comfortable and maybe even happy and that's all that's important." He looked into her eyes and smiled. "I'll be here for you in whatever way you want... you call the shots from now on. I promise you..."

[Lotus]

Saga sniffed quietly and looked down into those sad eyes of her boyfriend. He was still hers, despite everything and she loved him with all her heart. Every part of her ached for him to just be close and let her know she was going to be okay and everything would word out.

She shook her head softly and blinked back more tears. "I have everything to apologise for though..." She choked on the lump in her throat and tried to stay calm. "Please... Please just hold me." Tears started falling again and she pushed herself off the couch and onto the floor where she fell into his arms. She needed his warmth and comfort. She just needed him and without him she would be lost; so completely lost that she would never find a way back.

[Deleted]

Ash wanted to stop her. He wanted to kiss her so she wouldn't have to say those words anymore, because every time she apologised it broke his heart that she thought that this was her fault. But he couldn't do that because he couldn't kiss her, maybe not ever again. But he was alright with that, well he would make himself alright with that. It was all about Saga and what she wanted right now that was important.

He was a little shocked over her words though. He had never expected her to be like that again. It was so unexpected that he barely had a moment to process it before she was suddenly on his lip. He didn't even care about the ache in his side as he wrapped his arms around and gently and held her close to him. He wanted to reach out and wipe away her tears but he didn't know if she could deal with that yet.

"Never apologise for what's happened... it was never you..." He whispered, remembering his voice again and the fact that she was blaming herself.

[Lotus]

She shook her head and blinked back tears, snuggling her head into his chest further. She missed being this close to him and she was surprised that she was actually okay with it. She looked up at him from under her fringe and watched his face. She knew they'd only get into an argument if she told his otherwise, because at the end of the day she had dragged him; and Lawson, down with her. The bullies had always been after her since the day she quit, and they'd got involved to help. Yet all she'd allowed to happen was for them to get hurt.

"How bad is it Ash?" She pulled back slightly, entwining her fingers with his on one hand. "Please tell me..." Her eyes flickered to his side and back up to him again. "I need to know..."

[Deleted]

Ash was happy to have her close to him and he never wanted to let go even though he knew that sooner or later she would pull away. He wanted to be able to think of the right words to say to her so that he could make her feel alright again. So he could maybe even make her happy again. But he didn't know what those words were or where he should even start. But for now he was just going to hold her close.

His heart sank a little when she pulled back but then it sank even more at her words. At first he wasn't sure what she was on about or what she was asking. But he followed her eyes and found the answer. Ash took a deep breath. Could he tell her? He couldn't not tell her, he wasn't going to lie to her and she sounded so desperate. He was just so scared that she would wrongfully blame herself.

He sighed and glanced down at her. "Its broken but it will heal... ribs just take their time, even when they're just bruised they take a while to get themselves back together.. it hurts a little bit but I'll be fine and Saga. It's not your fault."

[Lotus]

She nodded her head slowly. It was his fault she'd allowed him to get hurt, but at the end of the day she knew it was the bullies fault. Her grip around his hand tightened and she leant back into him. "I'm sorry this happened Ash. I really am." She snuggled further into his chest as she thought back to that afternoon. It wasn't that long ago but it already seemed like a distant memory. Everything other than the episode down the alleyway. She shuddered at the memory.

"I want them to pay for what they've done... Do you think they ever will?" That was something she'd never thought of before. She always thought they were going to be out there and going after her every time she step foot outside her home. Never had she thought justice could be brought to them, but then she realised there wasn't really much evidence and they'd already sent Ace away. "I mean, they sent Ace away for attacking you. So can't they be sent away for attacking you and Lawson?"

[Deleted]

Ash wanted to stop her from apologising and try to reason with her about his injury not being her fault when her words caught him off guard. He stiffened slightly whilst holding her but made himself relax, she couldn't see him getting angry. But this was the exact thing that he thought about all day every day since it had happened. He knew the right thing to do would be to reassure her that the Peacekeepers would deal with this. But he doubted that was going to be the case. He couldn't lie to her.

"They will pay." He said to her firmly, he almost growled it in his anger but he tried to keep it in check. "They will pay. Either by being sent away, or..." He trailed off, he couldn't tell her that he wanted to kill them. He wanted to kill all of those brutes for hurting her. But two in particular he wanted to kill most of all. The leader. And the guy who had raped her. It made him so angry just to think that they were still out there, wondering around. Ash didn't even care that he had beaten the guy unconscious when he had found out what he had done to her. He wanted him dead. But he couldn't tell her that.

He took several deep breaths and forced himself to calm down. Gently stroking her hair, more in an effort to calm himself then Saga.

[Lotus]

Saga pulled away from him quickly and watched his face. She knew that tone in his voice and she couldn't let him do something silly because of her. She shook her head and reached up a shaky hand to place it against his slightly rough cheek. "Please don't go after them. They don't deserve you beating them up. With what they've done to us they deserve some creation of the Capitol to maul them apart." She shuddered at the thought, but she knew it was true and she saw realisation dawn on Ash's face. "You know I'm right."

But the look only deepened and she dropped her hand slowly, placing it in her lap. She ducked her head down and sighed, "I hate them. Am I not allowed to think they deserve the worst?" She sighed and ran a hand over her face, her finger absent-mindedly trailing the pink scar across her cheek. She closed her eyes and tried to breathe deeply from the onslaught on the memory. her sleeve lifted up again and she felt Ash tense beside her so she quickly went to remedy it by hiding her hand in her lap.

[Deleted]

Ash watched her cautiously. He was angry with himself for having let Saga see how he felt, he hadn't wanted her to know what he and Lawson had planned to do. How they had planned to kill the brutes that had hurt her so badly. But he was a little shocked that she wanted them dead too, he never would have thought that Saga was the type of person to wish anyone dead. But these brutes deserved it more then anything. But allowing the Capitol to kill them wasn't good enough. He wanted to do it himself.

He saw her touch her cheek and he was about to reach out and stop her but then her sleeve rose up. That was when he saw them again, the bruises. The awful finger shaped bruises. They just reminded Ash of the fact that he hadn't been there to stop it from happening. That he hadn't killed the guy when he had come back like he should have. He reached out a hand and gently took her small one in his. Lifting up her arm and pushing back her sleeve so that he could see the marks.

He lent forward and placed a soft kiss against the skin of her wrist. "I'm so sorry Saga.. I'm so sorry I didn't protect you... that I told you to run... I'm so sorry.."

[Lotus]

Saga froze when he lifted up her sleeve and even more so with the kiss he placed on her bruised skin. Yet he was so tender and soft she barely felt it, and there were no terrible memories associated with such a kiss, only the bruises. She heard his words and tears pooled in her eyes again before spilling over and rolling silently down her cheeks. She shook her head and pulled her hand from him, reaching up and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, one hand resting in his hair and her head placed in the crook of his neck.

"Please don't say that. You did what was best. Please never blame this on yourself. You protect me more than you know. If you didn't I wouldn't be here. Remember that." She pushed herself closer to him, ignoring the screaming her body was doing at her. It was agony to do this, but she needed to comfort him and she knew her words weren't nearly enough. "Please Ash. And don't go after them. It won't do anything. You may be a career but you don't kill out of cold blood. They'll get what's coming to them, I promise."

She had shocked herself. She was being the strong one while Ash broke down, but it was his turn to. He'd been the strong one for her all along and it was only fair he had his chance to have a down moment. They kept each other afloat and she wasn't going to let him drown.

[Deleted]

Ash didn't know what to say but his arms snaked around her body and held her close. Lightly pressing her into him. He just wanted to have her as close as possible. To be able to feel her warmth and breathe in her scent. He knew he was angry and upset at the same time. He wanted to break something and at the same time he wanted to cry. He was so conflicted and he knew that he couldn't do either. He needed to be strong in order to protect Saga. But he was doubting himself, he had tried to protect her and all he had done was get her hurt even worse then she would have been. That bastard never would have gotten to her if he hadn't told her to run. he knew that. This was all his fault.

But words had a calming affect on him. They made him relax a little bit and his anger died down slightly. She didn't want him to kill the brutes and he was going to do what she wanted. She was right though, he didn't have it in him to go and murder someone. Maybe during an actual fight he could do it, but not just go out with the purpose to kill a person. That wasn't who he was. But he would always blame himself for this because he should have tried harder to protect the girl he loved.

"I'm sorry... I won't go after them, I promise... I'm going to stay by your side for as long as you want me to, and then when you want me to go I will never be more then a room away..." he whispered into her hair. Breathing in deeply as he tried to calm down. "I love you..."

[Lotus]

She nodded into the crook of his neck at his words. Instantly, that slightly calmed the turmoil inside her. "And Lawson won't either." She didn't need to ask it as a question, Lawson would do whatever Ash was doing. They worked like that, even though they didn't see it. Saga had seen it in the two of them; they had the same facial expressions, stances and the way they sat. They looked so similar when they slept and the care they showed towards her was nearly the exact same; but she knew Lawson would never like her like that and she didn't think she could like him like that either.

"I love you too Ash and I always will..." She breathed into his ear, braving it and kissing his cheek softly. She pulled her head back a little to rest her forehead against his and listened to his now steady breathing. "You're everything I ever wanted, and more. And that's saying something seeing as I never knew I wanted you." She chuckled softly under her breath, hoping she could try and ease the tension in Ash's body that she could still feel.

[Deleted]

Ash was cursing himself for being so weak. He was meant to be the strong one for Saga so that he could protect her but he had all but broken down in front of her and she was the one comforting him. It should be the other way around. But she was so close to him that his heart was beating so fast and he couldn't help but tighten his arms around her small body. He enjoyed having her so close.

Her words made his heart sore and fill him with such warmth that he could almost be happy. But he would only truly be happy when saga was. And he didn't know how long that was going to take or if she ever would be able to. He breathed in deeply and slowly opened his eyes when she kissed his cheek. He didn't know why but that small gesture felt like the nicest thing to have ever happened to him in his life.

He let himself chuckled slightly in response. It was a good thing that she was joking, it meant she could be getting better. Maybe. He relaxed and smiled softly. "You're more perfect then anyone else in the world."

[Lotus]

Saga smiled softly and rested her head back down into the crook of his neck, breathing in deeply; never wanting to forget the scent he brought her, the scent of comfort and safety. She felt her cheeks warming slightly at his words and snuggled in closer to him, her hands twisting in his hair as she tried to move in closer to him. She never wanted to lose him, but she knew if those bullies didn't get what was coming to them then she was going to. She couldn't imagine her life without Ash. Heck, she couldn't imagine her life without either Ash or Lawson. They were a part of her and they were sticking around whether they liked it or not.

"Ash...?" She trailed off softly until she heard him say what she though was a 'yeah'. "Will you kiss me?" She felt him tense and her hope deflated. "I don't want to be terrified my whole life. If I realise kissing you is okay and not like...not like him...then I can work from there. I know I...I know I like kissing you, so would you?" Her voice got quieter and quieter and she got worried he'd reject her because of everything, so she snuggled into him closer; hiding her face.

[Deleted]

Ash tensed at her words but he felt bad about it. He had been content, sitting here with Saga so close and warm. She kept trying to move in closer to him and his grip around her tightened. Trying to draw her in as well. But he didn't know what to do now. He wanted to kiss her. God knows he wanted to kiss her so badly; he had missed kissing her. Feeling her soft and perfect lips against his. But he had given up the thought that she would ever be ready for that again. But now she was asking him to kiss her and he was too scared that he might hurt her and make her even worse.

But he so badly wanted to kiss her and if she wanted that too. Well.

He drew back and glanced down at Saga. She was hiding her face so he gently reached out a hand and lifted up her chin so that she was facing him. "Yes..." He whispered gently before leaning down. He wanted to do this so badly and he knew he had to get this right. He gently pressed his lips to hers and a warm tingly feeling shot through him. He pushed his lips against hers a bit firmer and let one hand snake round the back of her neck and into her hair.

[Lotus]

Saga watched his eyes as he leant in to kiss her. She saw the panic in them but she knew he would never hurt her. She knew he was safe and that's what she kept telling herself. She wasn't going to let the memories get the better of her. She was going to be okay, she had to keep reminding herself of that fact. Ash would never hurt her, she was only kissing him.

Suddenly his lips were against hers in the way she remembered and then she felt them more firmly pressed against hers. She took in the softness of the kiss, but as she tried to concentrate on his kiss alone, his hand snaking into her hair brought on the onslaught of memories. She froze beneath him and she squeezed her eyes tightly together, trying to fight them away.

She was stronger than memories of a kiss though. Slowly, she forced herself to relax as she stiffly moved her own hands into his hair and entwined them there. She started moving her lips in sync with his and as if her body was getting the better of her mind, she started relaxing voluntarily and she could tell Ash was happy. The way none of his muscles were taught from stress or worry. He was relaxed just like she was. She was always going to be hesitant, but she was dealing with this; and she hoped she had the will power to deal with everything that she came face to face with.

Eventually she pulled back and rested her forehead against his. "I love you."

[Deleted]

The kiss was amazing. He hadn't realised how much he had missed the feeling of her lips pressed against his; how much he had missed them being pressed up against one another so that they were so close. But then for a moment that feeling of amazingness dissappeared. It was so subtle, but he had felt it. Felt her tense beneath his touch. He felt like he should pull away but he didn't want to do that. He wanted to hold onto this moment for longer. But he couldn't because she was scared.

He was about to pull away, all be it reluctantly, when he felt her relax and suddenly her hands were in his hair and the kiss was just even more amazing. Nothing felt better then that moment did right then. He was so ecstatic that she had wanted to kiss him, that she was kissing him. For that moment everything felt right.

He looked into her eyes and gently stroked her cheek with his thumb. "And I love you too..." He whispered back, "But... did I scare you? I'm sorry.."

[Lotus]

Saga sighed softly and closed her eyes, breathing a little shakily. She tried to match her breathing to Ash's and eventually her heart rate had slowed considerably and she was feeling a little more like normal. She opened her eyes again and shook her head softly, "You didn't. The kiss did, for a brief moment. But I just had to push through it and tell myself it was you." She shifted her head and kissed him lightly on the lips again. "And I'll never be scared of you."

She moved her head away from him and rested it against his shoulder, her face in the crook of his neck. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, reaching down to entwine her fingers with his. "Thank you."

She heard pounding footsteps up the stairs, but she didn't want to move. They were coming closer to her room, but for some odd reason she recognised the sound of the footfalls. She smiled softly as he started to speak; Lawson. But it was odd, he stuttered over his words as he came closer to them. What was that all about?

[Deleted]

Ash smiled gently down at Saga, wrapping his arms around her protectively. He felt sad, he was glad that she wasn't scared of him. But the fact that just kissing had scared her made him worry even more about how she was going to cope with the awful thing that had happened to her and he didn't know what to do. "There's no need to thank me..." He whispered back, gently squeezing her hand to show her he was there.

He should have said more. He wanted to say more. He wanted to be able to reassure her that everything was going to be alright and that she would never be hurt like that again. But he didn't know how to do that; he knew it would come true. But he wasn't sure how long that might take for her to get to that stage. He was at a loss as to how to help the girl he loved and that scared him so badly.

Lawson had been sitting awkwardly in the kitchen with Saga's parents. Her mum was still pretty upset but despite that she had still gotten on with cooking dinner. She was brave. Just like Saga. Her dad seemed a little more comfortable with him and his brother being around but not much. Lawson could tell from some of the questions he was asking him; he was trying to find out if the boys were good enough to be hanging around his daughter. Although Lawson had the suspicion that Saga had told him to lay off.

Lawson was jolted out of his internal debate on whether or not her dad actually like them or not when her mum asked him to call thew two of them down to dinner. Lawson hadn't realised how long it was since Ash had left and gone after Saga. He couldn't help but worry about what might have happened to the two of them.

Lawson ran up the stairs, eager to see Saga's face again and check for himself that she was alright. He knew she would never care about him the way he did her, but that didn't stop him from wanting to make sure that she was alright and happy.

He didn't think, when he swung the door open, to knock. But he wished he had. It was like a punch to the gut when he saw Saga curled up into Ash how she was. It was stupid and Lawson's brain knew it. But it hurt because he wanted to be the one holding and comforting her. It should have been him that held her in his arms and brushed back her hair. But it was Ash.

"Er.. um... dinner.. is err ready.." He stuttered out. The shock had confused him and his brain struggled to get the words past his lips. He didn't know what to think as he turned on his heel and left the room.

[Lotus]

Saga slowly pulled away from Ash, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. She turned just in time to see Lawson walking out of the room and her brow furrowed together in confusion. "Is Lawson okay?" She turned back to look at Ash with worry in her eyes, but his smile eased that worry a little. Of course he wasn't okay, but he was feeling the same as the rest of them; which at the moment was okay.

She slowly managed to find her way out of Ash's lap and stood up. "I can actually smell dinner now and I'm kinda hungry again." She smiled softly and entwined her fingers with Ash's as they started heading out of her bedroom towards the stairs. Then she remembered, the stairs. Her steps faltered and she tried not to look alarmed as she spoke up. "You go ahead. I just need to go to the bathroom." I'll be down shortly.

She squeezed his hand and walked into the bathroom, closing the door softly behind her. She washed her hands just to give her something to do and then dried them before cracking the door open to see if Ash had actually left. Luckily he had and she made her way to the stairs again. She slowly lowered herself down to the top step, trying not to whimper from the ache it sent through her body. Then she shuffled down the stairs, only to look up and see both Lawson and Ash watching her. This was starting to get embarrassing; first Lawson and now both of them.

[Deleted]

What was up with Lawson? Ash was confused and didn't understand why his brother was acting so odd. Lawson never stumbled for words, that was always him. He was going to have to ask him about it because he had a sickly feeling that it had something to do with him and Saga again. Ash thought he and Lawson had spoken about it. But it was like he had gone back to how he was before and Ash was confused. But he put a smile on for Saga and tried to brush it off. He didn't want her to push in case she found out why.

He liked the feel of her hand in his again and was reluctant to let her go. He was worried about her but knew that she probably just needed a minute to collect herself before facing her family. He could understand that.

Ash made his way down the stairs to find Lawson at the bottom with his hands in his hair. Muttering to himself. Ash approached his brother and put a hand on his shoulder. "Lawson, what was up with you back there?" He asked, he was a little bit annoyed but tried to keep his voice calm and steady.

Lawson snapped up and looked at him with large eyes. He bit his lip and took a deep breath. He had been berrating himself over acting so stupidly before. "Sorry Ash... I... I wasn't expecting you and her... to be like that... I'm sorry..." He dropped his gaze and looked at his feet.

Ash furrowed his brow and stared at his brother. What was he on about? He thought Lawson was ok with him and Saga? He had seemed to have been ok, so what had changed? Why was he acting so weird now? He just didn't get it.

Ash was about to ask him something more when both his and Lawson's heads whipped round at the sound of a bump on the stairs. Ash's eyes widened as he saw Saga shuffling down them. Why was she doing that? What had she been hiding from him? Was she more injured then she had said? How long had it being going on? Did she have any other injuries she hadn't mentioned? So many thoughts ran through his mind.

"Saga..." He didn't know what to say. He was shocked but a glance at Lawson told him his brother didn't feel the same. Did he already know? That hurt a little bit. Ash took a step towards her and reached out a hand to help her up.

[Lotus]

Saga looked towards Ash's hand and gingerly took it, allowing herself the help so she could stand on her own two feet again. She looked up to Lawson and he had one eyebrow raised but she shook her head discretely. So, she turned back to Ash and smiled softly, "It's something little kids do, y'a know, when their little legs are too small to reach the next step so they just kinda slide down the stairs. I wanted to do that and it's kinda fun if I'm honest, but I think my legs are a little too long to get the full effect..." She slowly trailed off at the look on Ash's face.

She turned back to look at Lawson and then realised the two of them were glaring at each other. What the hell had happened? Well, she knew. Lawson had spilled the beans. She sighed and shook her head, "Stop it you two. I'm hungry." With that they both snapped out of it as she let go of Ash's hand to walk into the kitchen. She saw her dad first and walked straight up to him, wrapping her arms around him and burring her face in his chest. Her mum soon joined them and she felt the love coming off of the both of them; just as Ash and Lawson walked in.