Changing Our Ways (KIRA)

[Deleted]

Ash's heart hurt when Saga mentioned about going back upstairs. He didn't want her to have to see what was there, he couldn't let her be hurt anymore. She'd been hurt enough and he was going to protect her. He had to. He loved her and couldn't watch her get hurt again. It wasn't fair. He hated hiding stuff from her though. It made him feel so bad.

He suddenly felt her hand in his and his heart skipped a beat. He looked down to see her small and delicate hand in his big, clumsy one. But it made him smile slightly. She was reaching out to him. Maybe she wouldn't reject him completely. Maybe she wasn't lost. But he was never going to push her, he was never going to even try. He knew that for definite.

Ash looked up to see how close she had gotten to him. A small smile crept onto his lips. "Saga..." he breathed out. Not sure what to say. He wanted to kiss her so badly. But he didn't know if he could. It was her choice.

[Lotus]

Saga slowly, and gently, rested her head against Ash's chest whilst letting out a deep sigh. She knew what he wanted to do from the way he spoke her name, but she couldn't do that any more. Even being this close to him brought back those memories and her hands started shaking in fear. She'd really messed up her life, but it wasn't just hers any more. It was her whole families; including Ash and Lawson, she'd hurt them too.

She tried to calm the shaking in her hands, but she couldn't and all she wanted to do was be comforted by him. She wanted his arms to wrap around her, but they wouldn't. She wanted to feel his lips on hers, but she wouldn't. She couldn't do any of that any more. She couldn't allow those memories to come back. She swallowed over the lump in her throat as she whispered, "Was that J-aida?" Her voice cracked on her little kittens name, but she had to know for definite.

[Deleted]

Ash froze for a moment when she lent against him. He just wanted to wrap his arms around her and make everything better. But he couldn't let himself do that. She didn't want that. She wasn't ready for that and he wasn't going to make her uncomfortable. He squeezed her hand gently though, letting her know that he was there. He breathed in deeply, liking the warm feeling coming from where her head rested against his chest. He so badly wanted to tug her to him and kiss her. But he could never do that again.

His heart skipped a beat. His blood ran cold. How was he meant to answer that? He couldn't lie to her but at the same time he couldn't tell her and hurt her anymore. He didn't know what to do or say. But she had asked and she had every right to know. He took a deep breath. "I'm so sorry Saga..." He whispered.

[Lotus]

Even though she had known it was Jaida, hearing it come from him hit her hard. She felt tears come to her eyes but she was determined not to let them fall. She wanted to seem strong. She wanted to seem okay to everyone. She couldn't cry any more. She'd done enough and now she had to move on. She had to try for every one else, no matter what her mind was telling her.

She sighed softly, letting one lone tear escape as she buried her face in his chest. "How did I know...?" She whispered back. She felt her shoulders sag, but feeling Ash's hand tightly wrapped around hers made her feel better. It was like when they were on the stairs and him just taking her hand in his had gotten her to the bottom. She really would be lost without him. She'd be lost without him, Lawson and her mum and dad. She would be nothing.

[Deleted]

Ash smiled sadly. He glanced down at saga but he couldn't see her face. He felt so bad for having told her, for having made her upset. She didn't deserve this. She deserved none of this. She was such a good person and it was so unfair. But he was going to protect her now, even if it was from a distance.

"I'm so sorry saga... I'm sorry..." He meant it. He wished he had been able to protect her. If he had never kissed her she never would have run off and then none of this would have happened. If he had thought things through then everything would be alright. But he had hadn't. That was why he was never going to try anything ever again. This was all his fault.

[Lotus]

She pulled back slowly and looked up to him with a small smile on her face. "Thank you..." She trailed off and gripped his hand tighter. She knew the look on his face though. She knew what he was thinking. He was blaming himself and there was nothing she could do to stop him. She knew it wasn't his fault; none of this ever had been his fault.

"Can we go back up now?" She looked from their hands back up to his face. "I can do this. We both can." She tried to reassure him, not just about Ace's room, but about their life together in general.

[Deleted]

Ash made himself smile as he glanced down at Saga. But her words made him feel awful. How could she thank him? He hadn't done anything but cause her hurt. But he wasn't going to say anything. He couldn't make things worse. Gently he nodded his head as he looked into her beautiful eyes. "I'm here to protect you..." He whispered gently. He meant it.

Ash stepped back but didn't let go of her hand. He didn't want to, not yet. If she did though he wasn't going to stop her from doing so. It was all her decision. He picked up the bucket with the water and cloths in. He glanced at Saga. "Lets go clean."

[Lotus]

Saga nodded her and and rested her arm against his as they walked back to the stairs. At the bottom she let go of his hand, "Go on up. I'll catch up." She smiled softly and watched him walk away slowly and down-heartedly. She hated this.

Slowly, she gripped hold of the rail and took the steps one at a time, trying not to wince as she got nearer the top. As soon as her foot touched the landing she sighed, and rested her back up against the wall, catching her breath back. Thank goodness no one had seen that, but as she looked up she was wrong. There was Lawson and Ash standing outside Ace's bedroom door, talking and they were both staring at her. Her face felt hot and she looked away, feeling embarrassed and cursing herself for letting them see her like that. Could she make them feel much worse about their predicament?

[Deleted]

Ash hadn't wanted to leave Saga down the bottom of the stairs alone but she wanted some time alone. He could understand that. It would be hard for her. Having to go back up to Ace's room after what they had found in there. It still made him feel sick.

Ash found Lawson at the top of the stairs. He put the bucked down in the doorway and looked at his brother. "It's taken care of..." Lawson said, it appeared detached but Ash knew he was sad but trying to hide it for Saga. Ash nodded his head.

"She knows..." He whispered, not even bothering to hide his sadness. Lawson reached out a hand and rested it on his brothers shoulder.

"We knew this was going to be hard... but we'll be here for her" Lawson reassured him. Ash looked up and smiled at his brother. Truly glad that he was here.

"Where is it?" He whispered. He hated himself for saying it like that but he couldn't bring himself to say Jaida's name.

"Mr Gregorio's taken her somewhere." Lawson replied, seeming just as sad. Ash nodded his head at the same time that as they heard a noise at the top of the stairs. Both of them turned to see Saga and the fact that she was out of breath. In unison the twins bit their lips as worry filled them. Saga was weaker then she was letting on, but then so was Ash. But they wanted to protect her from all of this.

[Lotus]

Saga turned away from the gaze of the twins and squeezed her eyes shut. She wished they hadn't seen that, or that they hadn't stared; but they had and she was just going to have to face it. She was going to have to act brave; like nothing was amiss, when in fact she felt her barriers and insides crumbling away. She wanted this all to be okay again, she wanted her life back. She didn't care if it didn't have Ash or Lawson in it; at least they would be safe that way.

She sighed and turned back round, walking to the door and bending down to pick up a cloth before ringing it out. "Shall we get to cleaning in here then?" She forced herself to smile softly, just as her mum came out of the bathroom with red eyes and her dad halted at the top of the stairs. All eyes were on her and she shrunk back into the wall, willing herself away.

[Deleted]

Lawson looked at Saga with sadness filling him. He noticed how she shifted uncomfortably, how she avoided people's gazes. Everyone was staring at her, just like he and Ash were. With pain, sadness and worry etched on their faces. They all cared about her so much and hated the fact that she had been hurt. They all wanted to protect her from that type of pain again. Lawson felt a little help, maybe they could all do it.

But Saga was uncomfortable with all their eyes on her. Lawson pushed back from the wall and took a step towards Ace's room. Ash wasn't going to like having to do the next bit. "Yes. Come on Ash, let's take the bed out." He said to his brother, giving Saga a small smile.

Ash followed his breath, gritting his teeth in anticipation. This was going to hurt. Badly. But he couldn't let saga see how it would affect him. He needed to be strong for her. He headed into the room after Lawson. Both of them exchanged a glance as they approached the bed. They hoped there was nothing under there that Saga shouldn't see.

Ash gritted his teeth and braced himself for the effort and pain that was soon to come.

[Lotus]

Saga watched the twins with sad eyes as they walked into the room. Why had Ash agreed when he knew he would put himself through agony? She shook her head and looked into the room with worried eyes. She didn't want him hurt more than he already was. She'd caused him a broken rib already, she couldn't do much more damage. Well, she hoped not anyway.

She looked over to her mum and dad, but they were whispering to themselves quietly and then her dad wrapped his arms around her mum, who was now sobbing again. This was causing everyone pain. Damn her brother for doing this to them all. Damn those bullies who never got enough kicks out of her. Damn them all to hell for eternity!

She turned into the room and went to one of the cabinets, before taking a deep breath and steadying her hands. She braced herself as she slid open the top draw but it was just filled with rolled up socks. This was okay, she could do this bit.

[Deleted]

Lawson looked across at his brother. He knew that this would be hard for him. Ash would never admit that he was in pain but Lawson knew that you couldn't just go picking up furniture two days after breaking your rib. He would be in a lot of pain. But Ash was stubborn and he was trying to hide it all. He was never going to admit that he couldn't do this.

Lawson sighed and gripped the end of the bed. "On Three. 1. 2. 3." he said and lifted up the bed with a grunt. Ash did the same and barely stopped himself from crying out. A small whimper escaped and he gritted his teeth against the pain. His side was burning and he knew that this was probably going to make it worse. But he had to get through this, he didn't have a choice.

With grunts the two of them managed to lift the bed up and out of the room before dumping it in the corridor. Ash instantly clutched his side the moment he released the heavy object. he took a deep breath and tried to push the pain from his mind like he had been taught.

Heading back into Ace's room Lawson went to inspect what else had been under the bed. But Ash walked over to Saga. "Are you alright?2 He whispered, he wanted to reach out and hug her but he couldn't.

[Lotus]

Saga tried not to watch as they both carried the bed outside. She tried to keep her focus on taking the socks out of the draw and putting them into a bag for the dump. He wasn't coming back so it wasn't like he was going to miss any of his socks.

She jumped slightly when she heard a whispered voice behind her, but she nodded her head as she turned round to see Ash. "Are you?" She said softly back. She heard his grunts of protest and she knew he was in pain. He had a broken rib, of course he'd be in pain. Lifting a bed wasn't exactly a bright idea, but she knew she would never be able to stop him. She sighed as she saw the determined look on his face and she nodded her head, "You're okay, I understand." She forced a soft smile onto her face and looked around the room.

She saw Lawson bending over and picked up rubbish, turning his nose us every now and again. She thought he was cute at times. Wait, cute? No Saga, bad Saga, she scolded herself. Cute was not a word she could use for Lawson. To try and distract herself she moved her gaze back around the room. "We have a lot to do. But it'll be done by today I think, seeing that all of it's just being thrown out."

[Deleted]

Ash looked at Saga. He was worried. She may say that she was alright but he doubted whether or not that was true. How could she be alright when she was having to go through all of Ace's stuff? After everything he had done to her. It made Ash angry but he needed to push that aside. He didn't know what to say to her question. She couldn't know that he was in pain because she would blame herself and it wasn't her fault. It wasn't.

He nodded his head and followed her gaze around the room. "yeah. Right." He said, turning away from her reluctantly and over to the wall with all of Ace's weapons on. He clapped Lawson on the shoulder as he passd. "I think we should deal with these bro." He said, trying to mask the emotions running through him.

Lawson looked up and nodded his head. Together the two of them began to take down the weapons.

[Lotus]

They'd been going for hours. Lunchtime had passed and they'd had a little break, but even then they were still fiddling with things to go into the trash pile. Very little was spoken in the way of words, but Saga could tell everyone kept glancing at each other and asking silent questions about her. She was starting to get agitated that they wouldn't just come out and ask her what they wanted to, but then, she realised, she'd only have to lie directly to their faces. Silence was far better than the other option.

In those hours, Saga had managed to clear the first set of drawers she'd started out on before moving on to his so called desk. It was filled with clutter, and like a normal typical boy there was food left all over it. But Ace had never been normal, he was wrong in the head as she had heard her father mumble one time as he started clearing away little items here and there. Ace never used to be. He used to be her caring little brother, but it was the friends he'd made and the choices he'd made that led him to be the person he was to this day. Sometimes, she often wondered that if she'd stayed a career then she could have looked out for him more and he'd still be the same, just a little tougher. But she couldn't be thinking like that now.

She opened a draw in his desk and picked out what looked to be a notebook. She flicked through it and saw his scribbled handwriting all over the place, but then what made her start was the photo of her pinned to a page. Her heart rate instantly picked up as she saw the words written above the photo of her. 'I hate you.' She had to know and she knew it was wrong, but she had to know. She slipped the book under her t-shirt after glancing around the room. She thought she might be able to help him if she knew how he thought.

[Deleted]

The worry had been eating at the back of his mind for a while now. The whole way through tidying out Ace's room. He couldn't stop worrying about Saga and how this must be affecting her. He had shuddered at a lot of what he had seen in Ace's room but his main focus was on her, as was his brothers and everyone else in the room. They were all scared that being in here would provoke memories. Make her relive all of her horrible experiences. Make her relapse. That was what they were most scared of.

He knew that his brother was just as worried. He could tell by the way he kept glancing over to her. The fact that he tried to remain close to her whilst still doing what needed to be done. The fact that he was in pain was obvious by his eyes, but Ash was shielding it well. It didn't want her to know that it was bad.

They'd managed to clear out a lot of furniture from the room and were now trying to focus on cleaning. Ash and Lawson had handled all of the weapons and other career stuff that they found. It made Lawson feel sick to think that he had known that Ace was ruthless but he had never known that the kid he had trained along side - the kid he had taught how to throw a spear properly - was this sick. That he would hurt people so baldy. Hurt his own family. He could understand why Ash hated him so much.

[Lotus]

Saga had finished clearing out the desk and took a step back from it. She turned to look around the whole room. It was practically empty now and her mum had left to start dinner. Dinner was starting to sound really good, if she could eat it after all of this. She felt sick to the stomach with some of the things she'd seen. She didn't know how vile her younger brother was and she was glad in all the time he'd actually been living here, that his door had been kept closed. But then again, if they'd seen it maybe he would've changed.

She shook her head slightly and backed up against the wall, her eyes drawn to Ash and Lawson. Both their faces were set in a grim line and she could tell, even though he was hiding it, that Ash was in pain. His rib was hurting and there was nothing she could do about it because he wouldn't let her in. But then again, she wasn't letting him in, but she had her reasons. She'd hurt them all too much already and they were already worried. She didn't need to cause them more worry.

Soon enough he dad stood up after tying up the last bag and stretched his back. "Sweetie, do you want to go take a shower first while we throw all off this out?" He smiled softly and walked up to her, putting his hands on the side of her arms. "You've been so brave..." He whispered before he kissed her on the top of the head and turned her to face the door.

She nodded her head and headed to her bedroom to get a change of clothes and to slip the notebook under her covers.

[Deleted]

Ash's head shot up when her father spoke. He saw the look in saga's eyes. She was more then just tired, she looked haunted. He chewed his lip in worry. There was nothing he could to help her. As much as he wanted to run and pull her into his arms. To kiss her gently and to hold her too him; to keep her safe and warm. There was nothing that he could do. He couldn't do any of those things because of what had happened. It was all because of him, he knew that. He did. That's why he wouldn't let himself ever voice a complaint or even mention how he felt to her. Saga didn't deserve any of this and he would do whatever he could to ease her suffering, even if that meant staying away. No matter how badly that hurt him.

He watched her leave and let out a sigh. He rubbed the back of his neck as he turned to Lawson. "Lets go dump this stuff." He said blankly. He didn't know what to think or feel besides anger. Anger at himself and for all the people that had hurt Saga. But with his rib he doubted he would ever be able to take his anger out against them.

[Lotus]

Saga grabbed a change of clothes, which happened to be a pair of navy sweat pants and a short-sleeved purple t-shirt. It was too hot to wear a long-sleeved shirt, but she couldn't wear anything skimpier for fear of showing off the bruises that marred her body. The only ones that would be visible where the ones splatted across her knuckles from lashing out and the hand prints over each wrist. She could live with that.

She slowly made her way to the bathroom, noticing that Ace's room was vacated of everyone and there were less bags in there than before. She sighed, it was finally over. He was finally gone. She closed the bathroom door behind her and switched on the shower. She stripped down and gasped at the sight of herself in the full length mirror. Tears welled in her eyes but she didn't want to let them spill. She was hideous; cuts, scrapes and bruises covering practically every inch of her body. Suddenly she remembered what had happened to her properly. She'd been raped and the fear of becoming pregnant at her age and with the child of some vile creature made her double over in shock, panic and fear. That couldn't happen, surely the world wasn't that cruel. She shook her head and stood up, going into the shower to let the water cascade down and wash away her worries; for now.

[Deleted]

Ash was surprisingly quiet as they made their way downstairs and out of the front of the house. Carrying as many bags and other stuff as the two of them could manage. They dumped at the edge of the curb before turning back for me. Eventually they had brought everything outside and Lawson glanced at his brother. He had hidden it well but he was in pain.

He stayed him with a hand on his arm before Ash could return to the house. "Things will work out you know... she will get better but it will just take time..." Lawson said sadly. He meant it. He wanted things to be good again, he wanted Saga to be happy even if she couldn't be happy with him. "Ash... you need to talk to her again... and to start with it needs to be about your ribs.."

"No!" Ash turned and glared at his brother. "I'm not telling her because you know as well as I do that she will just blame herself and hate herself even more then she already does!" He ran a hand through his hair. "I don't want her to feel like that anymore... but she won't even let me hug her, I barely got to hold her hand." He mumbled sadly.

Lawson approached him and gave him a gentle smile. "She just needs time... she loves you." He replied. Nudging himself playfully against Ash's side. "Come on."

[Lotus]

Saga had slipped into her clean clothes and felt fairly refreshed. She combed her fingers through her hair before trying it up in a messy knot on the top of her head. She roughly dried her fringe with her towel before blowing it out of her eyes; she really needed a haircut soon, but it wasn't exactly a top priority at the moment. She sighed and threw her dirty clothes into the linen basket before walking back out onto the landing, heading for her room.

She sat down on her couch and watched the world go by again as the slight breeze swayed the branches on the tree directly in front of her. She wondered back to the little notebook she'd taken, and it scared the living daylights out of her, but she had to know what was in. Sometimes people say 'curiosity killed the cat' and she was starting to wonder if it was actually a good idea to look in it at all. She should've just thrown it out with everything else and not given a second thought to it. But her photo was in there and those words killed her bones, but anyone would be curious; right?

[Deleted]

Ash and Lawson headed back into the house. They could hear voices come from the kitchen so they headed there. Her parents were sitting at the table talking. Her mum's eyes were red - she had been crying - and her dad was holding her hand gently between both of his. They looked up as the boys came in, giving them small smiles. Today had been tough on everyone.

Lawson walked over to them and sat down nervously. "Tomorrow we'll repaint and set up your beds properly." Her dad said. Lawson suppressed a smile at how he was always trying to find ways for keeping Ash and Saga out of the same room despite the fact that nothing had ever happened between them.

Lawson looked back at his brother to see if he was feeling the same but he wasn't really there. He was staring into space, glancing around the kitchen. "I'm going to find Saga." He mumbled before turning on his heel and heading up the stairs two at a time. He needed to talk to her to make sure that she was alright.

[Lotus]

Saga was in her own little world of turmoil. She hated everything about her life at the moment and she wondered why it couldn't be easy. She ever wished for it to be like the last time she came home from hospital and her mum made her have all of those photos; at least she'd been kind of happy then. She even met Lawson then and she would be truly lying to herself if she said she wanted him leaving her. He meant far too much to her already.

Slowly, she reached up a hand and traced the pink scar that marred her cheek before dropping her hand back own and staring at the bruised around her wrists. Her thoughts had changed from wondering why such bad things happened to her, to thoughts of how she was stupid enough to let those things happen. If they had happened once she would still be thinking along her old train of thought, but they'd happened more than that and she still hadn't learnt her lesson. Her bullies were still out there. Her brother was still out there. And her rapist was still out there.

She ducked her head down as she heard footsteps on the stairs and her whole body tensed, especially when they started walking into her room. She shrunk into the couch before realising the person brought with them a comforting presence and she knew it could only be one of two people; Ash or Lawson. As they came into view she felt her heart flutter a little. Ash. Ash was here and she suddenly felt that little bit better. But his eyes honed in on her wrists and her bruises, so she consciously tried to hide them away as she crossed her arms over her chest.

[Deleted]

Ash walked as quickly as he could to get to Saga's room but as he approached he tried to slow down his pace. He didn't want to scare her anymore then he already had and he was worried about her so badly. He walked into the room and couldn't help the smile creep across his face on seeing her. But he noticed straight away that was something was wrong; well more wrong then usual. That was when he noticed it. The way she was sitting meant her sleeves were pushed back slightly and he could see the bruises.

His hands curled into fists automatically as he thought about all the ways he could make that bastard pay for what he had done to Saga. He was going to kill him. He knew it. When he found him that brute would wish he had never been born.

He took a deep breath and tried to rein in his anger. He would scare her otherwise. Slowly he walked round the sofa and crouched down in front of her. "Saga..." He said gently, reaching out a hand to pull her hand away but he stopped himself. His hand hovering in mid air. "Can I... can I see?"