{ save yourself } \\open to whoever//

[anthena anteater ;)]

.:Felix Hades:.
'so many questions.
but im talking to myself.
i think that i might break.
I know that you cant hear me anymore.'

♕

in. out. in. out

For the first time in a long time I stood on the beach and listened to my own breathe. The sound of the crashing waves against the shore calmed my nerves as I knew it was time to end all of this, all the hatred, all the hurt. All the bad things outweighted the good anymore. I am a monster. I had killed innocents, so many poor innocent children for what cost? To make hellish overlords happy. My posture stayed slumped over as the warm salty tears stroked down my cheeks. I wouldn't dare touch my face, only staring off into the wide-stretched horizon of colors painting the sky. It reminded me of my past lovers. It seemed as if the beautiful sky of everyone I cared about faded all too quickly. I had no one, I was alone. Forever alone in the silence of the earth as it turned dark and cold. At that point I sat down in the golden sand and stared endlessly at the waves and let my thoughts wonder to places that they had never ventured before.

I closed my eyes and remembered the good...

Gabby's soft hand took mine and her bright happy smile curved over her cute, little chipmunk cheeks. I had always teased her about that adorable feature of hers. She seemed to be laughing at me as I used hand motions and to tell her stories about how horrific my 'green thumb' was. I had made her a picnic, all vegetables because she hated meat. As she began to tell me a story I listened closely and watched her munch on a leafy green tree of broccoli. Her stories were always full of much detail, full of life and happiness I could never convey. Then once she would get finished telling her tales she would lift me up and start to dance with me, careful with my leg and arm of course. We'd both hum common work songs and dance the rest of the day away. Then. once that was over we'd lay on that blanket we had taken for the picnic and stare up at the stars and laugh. We'd point out various constellations and tell mythical stories about them. Then when the night was almost up she'd lean over and kiss me, our eyes locked and she'd whisper "I love you Felix Hades. Be mine forever," I'd nod and kiss her passionately and reply "I love you too Gabby, forever and always,"

The day she was reaped had to be the worst day of my life. I had tried so hard to protect the ones I love only to be ripped away from them once again. It was as if a knife had went through my chest and exploded. When I saw her on the train for the first time I tried so hard to smile and tell her it was okay, it was okay. I almost had myself fooled I was such a good actor but in reality, when I got alone I bawled my eyes out. I forced a knife to tear away at my wrists to a point that was almost unbearable trying to take away the pain. Replace the pain with another but it didn't work. At one point, I tried to drown my sorrow in so much booze that I blacked out. It worked for the time being but never could take away the pain I felt. it was torture. It got even worse the day she died. I watched her brutally murdered on live television, crowds cheering as her blood was spilling. Her precious blood. I ran to my room. kicked, scratched, hit everything. Blood leaked from various wounds I had put in my body. I laid there and cried, unable to breathe and stuck. When the gamemakers realized how awful I was, they took me in and did horrific things to me to try and erase my memory. It only turned me into an even bigger monster then I was before. Countless days of booze, counseling, prostitution, and the blade. I hoped for death on a daily but theyd never let me die. 

It was endless. I had become so close to death so many times. He was my friend yet my enemy. He was like one of those people you can't stand but love anyways because you know seeing them is inevitable so you're nice. Then. as you get to know them you become mentally attached, like a love and heartache for that friend, but your friend is something that everyone fears, death. 

The next couple years were filled with endless one night stands, hoping for love again. To which I found for a while then she was taken from me again by the hand of a stranger. A blade slit her throat and let her blood spill. Her touch was so comforting but then it turned cold, stone cold. I had no one once again. My brother tried so hard to save me but you can't be saved when you don't want to be. After her death, I had no other way to express how I felt then drinking, drinking lots and consistently. I remember the day my brother tried to take the bottle away from me. I slammed it over his head. He fell and I did nothing but watched. My mother came down later to check his pulse, he was gone. I had killed my own brother. They tried to fix me, convince me it was the alcohol but I simply laughed and explained to them what a monster I was. I wasn't felix hades anymore. Then after, the capitol took me in again. They did everything from electrocute me to skin me. I was still monsterous felix hades of course.

I spent many months there before they dropped me off and left me again. Since then ive been stuck here in my own thoughts. All I ever did was drink and hope that death found me soon. I would eventually have to take matters into my own hands. Now, I sit on the beach in the dead of night and listen to the crashing wave with a knife safely gripped into my hand. Wet, salty, and hot stroll endlessly down my cheeks. Faces of my victims are flashing in my head and I stand. The knife comes close to my wrist, where scars are left. I carve a the ancient Chinese symbols into my wrist. 免費 It means im free. Then with that I continue to ball and yell out. "save yourselves before its too late," Then violently shove the knife into my stomach and fall to my knees. I laugh and smile and giggle because this is finally it. Im done. Im free! ...

 

'its so loud inside my head
with words i should have said
as i drown in my regrets
i cant take back the words
the words i never said'

免費
im free

[Elletnah™ The JabberJay]

Analise was out on the cliffs again, it was late and cool. The peacekeepers had always attempted to enforce a curfew but she always felt it never applied to her so she sat. In the place she always sat, over looking the ocean.
Tilting her head to the side she spotted a lone figure on the sands. The uneven gait and general forlornness that ever from this distance she could notice told her who it was. Felix Hades
The poor bastard. After accidentally murdering his own brother and doing god only knows what in the capitol before finally dumping the mess here for her and the other victors to deal with. Apparently he was too dangerous to be kept around his family but too famous to be put away for good.
They had said they put him in rehab but it was obvious they had done horrible things to the poor guy. They had attempted 'rehab' on her back when she could barely make it out of bed every morning let alone mentoring. She didn't like to think about it.
It was some half assed attempt to make victory look appealing. It was only a matter of time before they gave up on the effort. Almost every victor had a vice. Analise's happened to now be pills, easier to hide and she was rather good at acting sober.
Analise didn't see the knife, just a glint in the moon light. But she could guess what he was doing, she had seen the scars. With a quick move Felix suddenly slumped over. Had he done it, finally escaped the hell that the capitol insisted he live in?

Analise had made it to the beach before she saw the red stain. She ripped her shirt off and and pressed it to his wound. "Felix, hey come on man... Shit. Why couldn't you jump off the cliff goddamn it."
Lise saw a figure patroling, "HEY! DOWN HERE! WE NEED HELP."
Oh god they're not going to believe me, they're going to think I did it, damn you Felix.

[anthena anteater ;)]

.:Felix Hades:.
'so many questions.
but im talking to myself.
i think that i might break.
I know that you cant hear me anymore.'

♕

I lay there in agonizing pain, looking up at the twinkling stars and bright full moon overhead. Visions and blurs are coming to me, going in and out of sight. The first thing I see is Gabby, Oh lovely Gabby with her hand out. Her smile is so bright and inviting. Her lips read "dance with me,". She's wearing a beautiful red dress showing off her bold curves. Then her hair effortlessly blows in the breeze. Something about her standing there is just enchanting, glorious. My dreams turn back to reality and Analise is holding tightly to the wound but I know it's too late. "Just let me die Analise, its not worth it. They'll know I did it," I smiled at her and giggle. "Im mentally insane. Im gone love," I wink, showing her the human me was still there. "I don't want to play my part anymore," My vision starts to blur out again and this time I see Hunter. He's crying then he looks up and sees me standing there. A smile curves over his lips and my lips do the same. "Hunter Ive missed you," I mutter. My arm reaches out to touch him and im drawn back. Shes looking up at me and saying words my ears are unable to comprehend. My body is going numb, no longer feeling my limbs or my body. "Im gone.. gone.. gone .. gone," Blood coughs up from my throat onto Analise. "Sorr-" More blood comes up and splatters onto her shirt. White suits start to surround her and I try to thrash. "Let me die!" I yell and shout and scream. "I want to go!! Don't force me to be happy please." I continued to beg when I felt a sharp pain pull the knife from my side and I screamed out. "God help me please," I continued to beg and beg and beg but I wasn't free anymore. My body then immediately went numb, and I was fairly sure I was gone for good.

'its so loud inside my head
with words i should have said
as i drown in my regrets
i cant take back the words
the words i never said'

[Elletnah™ The JabberJay]

Analise sat in the hospital room next to Felix. She had no idea why she came with, she supposed it was because she knew what it was like to have the love of your life ripped away from you. Atleast she got to be there with Marlin.
Felix's arms were strapped to the bed, he had been fighting them the entire way to the hospital. It had been two days since the incident and he still hadn't regained consciousness. Lise had heard the doctors say he may never wake up, he lacked the motivation to live. She didn't know what else to do, no one else came to visit, his family lived back in 11 and they won't let them come. Analise didn't want him to be alone.
"Come on man. I've had enough people die on me, I don't need you to too." Analise said looking out the window.
The sky was an angry dark grey and rain lashed against the window.

[anthena anteater ;)]

.:Felix Hades:.
'so many questions.
but im talking to myself.
i think that i might break.
I know that you cant hear me anymore.'

♕

The last thing I remembered was a sense of panic, seeing the ones I loved, then I was out. Over the past few days it was like I was there but I really wasn't. Every word, noise, sound, I could hear it but could not respond. My whole body had given out on me. I had abused it to a point of breaking, no longer eligible to work as well as a functioning body despite the medical advances of the capitol. Who was I kidding? I never wanted to live in this place. I was to be dead. I wanted so desperately to die but everyone came to my rescue. Who said I wanted to be saved? I never did. Let my bones rot in the ground with the innocents ive killed. The people I loved, slaughtered by a man with a white beard. My chest began to hurt and I could feel my heart rate start to spark up in small intervals but steadily get back down. It did this multiple times over the course of the next few days.

I had to hand it to this girl, Analise. She had been a victor like myself and suffered much like myself. She had probably never had the balls to do what I did on a daily basis, die. Some people are afraid of the afterlife. I never was and never have been. Anything to get away was a paradise to me. Death seemed like a permanent one that many wouldn't pursue. Analise was one of those few. Stuck in my thoughts all I could think about was her for many odd reasons. She was the last to care, to give two shits about a depressed physcopath like myself. An addict to booze and sex as well, yet, she cared. it gave me some hope as to getting my life together and possibly coming back into the world as a human and not laying like the zombie I was.

A few more days past and I finally brought myself to awake from a never ending slumber. I figured she had left and forgot about me but boy was I wrong. It was as if in an instant my eyes popped open and peered over at her. "Hello Love, Glad to see someone gives a shit about me" I winked and smiled. "Getting out these straps would be lovely. I have a mother and sister to see. They must be worried sick. If you had let me die then they would simply be in grief and mourning. Instead, they have to worry about their addict mentally insane son. LOVELY" I grinned sarcastically. After speaking my mouth felt dry so I spoke up once more. "Water would be nice as well. Im just ready for some lobster. Sounds yummy,"

'its so loud inside my head
with words i should have said
as i drown in my regrets
i cant take back the words
the words i never said'

[Elletnah™ The JabberJay]

Analise was falling asleep in her chair when she heard someone speak. Her eyes shot open when she realized who it was.
She had to give it to the gimp, he was resilient.
"Well I couldn't exactly let you be here alone. They won't let your family come up, though they have been calling atleast twice a day to check on you." Analise said standing up and going closer to the bed.
"I have to call the nurse, I'm not allowed to take them off." she said rubbing the back of her neck.
Analise looked to her feet, mentioning his family reminded her of her family. Despite the booze and the violence they still loved her, still came around to make sure she ate. "You're not crazy, a little damaged. But who isn't considering what we have been through. I can go call them to tell them you're okay until the doctors let you make a phone call."
She picked up the little plastic cup and filled it with cool water from the jug and dropped a straw in. She held it up to him to take a drink and continued, "I think lobster can be arranged. I don't know how long they'll keep you restrained though, they might be afraid you'll make a break for it or worse rip out the stitches."

[anthena anteater ;)]

.:Felix Hades:.
'so many questions.
but im talking to myself.
i think that i might break.
I know that you cant hear me anymore.'

♕

Half grinning, I smiled at her weakly. "Im glad theyre checking on me. After the incident with my brother I feel like a crazy loon all the time. I should be behind bars for that, accident or not im a murderer. Mentally believe it or not im human and humans aren't made to kill. machines are. and bottles. but I was holding the bottle so I guess it makes me a monster," I stopped smiling and sighed. I kept rambling on before she stuck a straw up to my lip and I could taste the refreshing water against my lips and into my mouth. It traveled down my throat and quenched my thirst. "wonder why they wouldn't take them off me," I giggled. "Im not trying to die or anything" Then I caught myself smiling. I tugged against the straps a bit. "Thank you tho. You don't understand how much this means darling. Youre a beautiful little thing. Broken and beautiful," The words had delicately slipped from my lips without notice and I continued to ramble. "and trust me, I wont rip out these stitches if you let me rip off your clothes instead," I winked and then sat there for a minute, waiting to be slapped.

'its so loud inside my head
with words i should have said
as i drown in my regrets
i cant take back the words
the words i never said'

[Elletnah™ The JabberJay]

"You're still family, no matter what you did. They sound like they understand the circumstances."
Analise broke into a wide grin, "Yeah, I mean why would they think that you were trying to die, You were just taking a stroll."
"its nothing, the cliff I suggested I contemplated jumping off many a times."
Analise looked at the floor and smiled embarassingly. She had been told she was beautiful many times, she was well aware of her appeal. "The little broken doll." She mumbled to her self and then proceeded to burst out laughing.
She looked down to her clothes and just started laughing again, "I guess its a good thing you already ruined my favorite bum around the house shirt. Just don't rip the shorts, I like these."
She looked back up at Felix, "How about this, you get better, heal, and I'll let you take me out for dinner and we'll discuss the clothes ripping at a later date?" Analise said smiling widely at him.

[anthena anteater ;)]

.:Felix Hades:.
'so many questions.
but im talking to myself.
i think that i might break.
I know that you cant hear me anymore.'

♕

"Of course love. I don't have to rip them off if you don't like," I smiled very brightly, directed entirely at her. "but Id really just love to kiss you. Think you could lean over and share some of that beauty?" I puckered up my lips and let out a hearty chuckle at myself. "Could be kind of fun," I winked again then burst out without thinking "Ive shared something, my blood. Now its your turn to share," I slightly nodded my head towards her "Sharing is caring of course," I leaned back for a few moments and closed my eyes listening to my own thoughts, trapped in my head for only a few brief moments before blurting once more. "My mother truly despises me. She really does. But she only loves me because im her son. Her failure. I went through all that trouble to save my brother, tried to save Gabby. I keep trying to save everyone but they all die and all I really have left is my mother who loves me but hates me and my sister who cant even look me in the eyes. So isn't that just tolerable? I mean... I didn't mean to hurt anyone Analise. None of those kids in the games, my love, all of them gone and I want so much to be with them. To tell the kids i killed sorry, to hold gabby, to hug my brother and tell him i love him but I cant even do that," My heart started to race and tears in a dash poured down my cheeks. I struggled against the restraints to try and wipe away my dumb tears. "No no no. Im a mess" I signed loudly and leaned back to let the tears eventually roll away. I muttered under my breathe... "Im such a fuck up,"



'its so loud inside my head
with words i should have said
as i drown in my regrets
i cant take back the words
the words i never said'

[Elletnah™ The JabberJay]

Analise stepped away when he started to thrash, "Hey its okay," she said taking his hand.
"You can't save everyone, Gabby was not your fault the kids that got reaped is not your fault. You can't let it effect you like that. I know its hard. It's my fault that..." Her voice caught as she remembered Marlin, "No ones innocent in the village." She said smiling sadly. "And your family shouldn't hate you, I know you feel horrible about your brother, but they shouldn't hate you. Yes you swung the bottle, but you wouldn't have been holding the bottle if you had never been reaped. In the end its not your fault."
She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, "That'll have to do till we can get you uncuffed from the bed. I don't like to take advantage." She said smirking still holding his hand.

[anthena anteater ;)]

.:Felix Hades:.
'so many questions.
but im talking to myself.
i think that i might break.
I know that you cant hear me anymore.'

♕

My chest had started to feel heavy and a throbbing pain spread through its space. A sharp pain hit where the knife had and I could only flinch for a moment and suffer through it. "I just wish I wasn't who I am love. I wish I had lived another life, anyones but my own," She leaned in to kiss my cheek. Her lips were soft and warm, unlike the cold ones of my usual prostitutes. I caught myself smiling like a giddy boy and quickly wiped the expression from my face. She spoke again and I could hardly pay attention due to the enormous throbbing in my chest. "Of course," I let out a pain filled smile. "I wouldn't mind if you did things now," I winked, and groaned softly. "Think they could get me out of these cuffs and give me some pain killers? It'd be really nice. And ill be good and won't rip out the stitches if I could get another one of those kisses. Your lips are soft," I half smiled, almost showing how weak and gentle I really could be. My true colors were exposed.



'its so loud inside my head
with words i should have said
as i drown in my regrets
i cant take back the words
the words i never said'

[Elletnah™ The JabberJay]

Analise squeezed Felix's hand and smiled at him, "I'll be back in a minute."
Going out to the hall she buzzed for a nurse and waited for one to come. She she arrived Analise informed her that Felix was awake and that he needed pain meds and wanted to talk to the doctor.
While the nurse and doctor were in Felix's room Analise made a call in the hall to for Felixs' family, letting them know he was awake after fielding their constant thank yous she hung up and dialed her parents number.
"Hey! Felix is awake I dont know how long they are going to keep him but I'll probably stay till they let him go..... Mom I know he is unstable, so am I..... No I don't want to talk about it!.... Yes I know... I love you too... "
Analise sighed as she hung up the phone and looked back over to the closed door of Felix's hospital room.