Changing Our Ways (KIRA)

[Lotus]

~~Saga Gregorio

I shook my head, well tried to beneath his grasp. I felt more tears fall at his comments and I shut my eyes tightly. "Thing's have changed though... I will never be that girl again... I can't be... Too much has happened..." I couldn't even kiss him back; yet in the hospital, before I'd seen the state of everything, I'd been quite willing to kiss him.

I couldn't even tell him I loved him. Things were too far gone in my head at the moment. "I used to be so much better than this.. I used to be that girl in the photos... Even the ones... at... the back..." I took a deep breath and shuddered, "They're the worst..."

[Deleted]

Ash Faulkner~~

I shook my head at what she said. It wasn't true. I didn't believe that and I needed to somehow prove that to her. I decided not to kiss her again, I realised that it may not be helping her to do so. I smiled softly at her. No... Saga... you are still that girl and nothing will change that... you're still intelligent, sweet and perfect. You." I said gently. I stroked her cheek with my thumb.

I didn't know what the photos looked like at the back of the album as I had never had the chance to look at them but I knew that they wouldn't be bad. Not like Saga thought they were. She was too beautiful to make any photo look bad. "You're still perfect Saga... and I know that there's nothing bad about those photos if they have you in them... I love yo Saga and nothing is going to change that." I said gently. I needed to find a way to prove what I thought about her and these photos. I just didn't know how. I would think of something.

[Lotus]

~~Saga Gregorio

She shuddered at the thought and she never wanted him to see them again. She started finding it hard to breath and she was gasping, trying to take in as much air as possible; her chest heaving. She looked at him, eyes wide with panic as she tried to mouth the words, 'Water' to him.

He rushed away and she grabbed onto the couch behind her. What was happening now? She couldn't control her actions anymore! She felt tears come to her eyes again and she just wanted to be gone. "Not me... Not me... Hate..." She managed to get out. How could Ash think any of that?!

[Deleted]

Ash Faulkner~~

I began to panic. What was happening?! was Saga alright?! I leapt to my feet to go and get the water. I needed to help her and quickly. I ran down the stairs and into the kitchen, filling up a glass of water. I couldn't run back up the stairs though. Worry was coursing through my mind, I couldn't help but think about everything that might be wrong with Saga right now. But I knew that I needed to keep calm. Something at the back of my mind was screaming at me to slow down and breathe. So I did.

I walked past the living room, clutching the water, when I had an idea on how to prove to Saga that there was nothing wrong with her. I entered the room and put on a smile for her parents. I nodded my head at them and grabbed the photo book from the arm of the chair. "Just getting her to understand," I said politely before exiting the room as quickly as I could.

I walked as quickly as was possible without spilling the water back to the room.

[Lotus]

~~Saga Gregorio

He made it back with water, and I looked up at him softly, trying to calm down and breathe normally. Then I saw what he was holding as well. "Nooo!" I practically screamed. I thought he was trying to make me forget those awful things in that book. Why was he doing this to me? I thought he cared?

I grabbed for the pillow again as my chest started heaving again. I needed to calm down and breathe! But I couldn't...

[Deleted]

Ash Faulkner~~

I was alarmed at Saga's reaction to the book but I knew I had to help her get through this. I smiled softly and sat down next to her, I put the book on the floor in between us. I reached out and took the pillow away from her and then handed her the glass of water. "Breathe, nice and slow and steady now." I said softly, trying to soother her.

I waited for her breathing to return to normal. I could see her looking sideways on at the book warily. I gently reached out to take her hand in mine before moving across to place it on top of the album. She tried to recoil but I kept her there, her breathing rate started to go up again. "Saga... Please? Just breathe easy... nothing bad is going to happen ok? I'm going to stay by your side whilst we go through this book, ok?... all I want you to do is look at the photos with me and then we'll talk together about them.. how does that sound?" I said softly, I squeezed her hand gently. "I'm going to hold your hand the whole time." I added, trying to smile gently at her.

[Lotus]

~~Saga Gregorio

I stared hard at him as I tried to keep my breathing slow and steady. Why was he doing this to me? Hadn't I been though enough? "Don't do this... Don't make me..." I tried to pull my hand away from him and I wanted to hide. I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want to see any of those stupid photos!

"Please...?"

[Deleted]

Ash Faulkner~~

I hadn't realised how upset this would make Saga. I didn't know she felt so strongly about this. I turned so that I was facing her and drew her hand from the book into my lap. I cupped her face in one hand and looked her in the eye. "Saga... I'm sorry... But you have to tell me why this is so bad? I want to help you... but I can't if I don't know what's wrong... what's really upsetting you deep down? Please Saga?!" I said as softly as I could. I tried to keep her eyes focusing on me. I needed to know.

[Lotus]

~~Saga Gregorio

I looked away from him, trying to keep calm. "I-I... I hate all those photos... I don't want to be reminded of those times when I was able to pull that off... I never was good in front of a camera, but I was always pushed for me... To keep up the image of my parents and their design company..." I shook my head as I tried to keep the tears back.

"I know you say I'm still that girl, but I'm not. With you I've changed. I've changed physically and mentally. Before all this..." I pointed to my face, "it was for the better. Now my head is all messed up and I can't see the beauty in any of those photos. It just reminds me of when I was like that and that it'll never happen again. Those times are gone and I'm left like this..." Then, to gain his comfort I jumped straight into his lap and hugged him tight. "That's why I don't like them Ash. They're embarrassing for me to look at..."

[Deleted]

Ash Faulkner~~

I held her tightly to me. Stroking her hair gently. I knew she needed the comfort and I would give that to her. I thought about everything that she had said; I needed to find a way to prove to her that she was still beautiful. I hated the thought of her thinking that she wasn't. I kissed the crown of her head softly before pulling back to look at her. I still held onto Saga and kept her in my lap.

"Saga, baby... you don't need to be embarrassed by them... yes, things may have changed since then... but despite how it may seem on the surface, they have changed for the better... you may not be that girl in the photos anymore but you're a better girl... and there is no harm that can come to you from looking back at your old self and seeing how you've improved?" I said gently.

I then fumbled around in my pocket and pulled out the photo I had taken from the album. I smoothed it out and put it on Saga's lap. "That's you Saga... in that photo you're natural and being yourself, I can tell from your smile and the way your eyes have lit up... I can still see that in you today... so you're still that girl. You've just had other layers put on top... but they're not bad... I love this Saga and I love you... because you're the same." I smiled gently and lifted her chin up so that she was looking at me. I lent forward as if to kiss her but I didn't. I wanted to see how she would respond.

[Lotus]

~~Saga Gregorio

I stared down at the photo he'd put in my lap and I picked it up with shaking hands. "Y-You actually took one..." She knew she would, but she had never have guessed it would be this one. She stared at her face in the photo and stared into those eyes. It was her, the real her. She'd tried to show it in that photo. A tear fell down her cheek and she looked up into his eyes.

All those things he'd said and she couldn't find anything to say back. Instead, she settled into his chest, after shakily picking up the photo album. She placed it in his hands and said, "O-Okay..." She gripped the photo he'd taken in her hands and gripped his hand with her other one. She could do this? Right?

[Deleted]

Ash Faulkner~~

I smiled gently at Saga. I was relieved that she was willing to try. I was glad that she had calmed down now. I had hated to have seen her like that. It hurt me to see her so upset with nothing that I could do. I reached out my spare hand and wiped away her tears. "We'll do this together," I whispered softly. I was glad that she seemed to have accepted herself in the photo that I had kept.

I slowly opened the book up onto the first page with Saga on it. I pointed to a photo gently. "Ok, I'm going to tell you that in this one you look beautiful and playful... what do you think?" I said gently. I was going to go through all the photos, step by step, until she was comfortable with herself again.

[Lotus]

~~Saga Gregorio

As soon as the first page was opened I retracted into Ash's chest and winced when I saw the photo. It was horrible, that was my first reaction. I was supposedly playing hide and seek behind a god damn tree. I looked stupid and it was a stupid photo.

I heard what Ash said though and I didn't see how he saw that. I looked up at him warily and tried to speak my mind. "I-It's...terrible. It's a stupid photo and I look like a moron..."

[Deleted]

Ash Faulkner~~

My heart sunk a little at Saga's response. I didn't know how she could think that about the photo but I did my bets to hide the thought. I knew I would need to explain to her why she was wrong. I smiled and stroked her hair.

"You don't look like a moron in the slightest. In fact you look happy and carefree, as if you are having fun. It's so lovely to see you like that..." After all this pain. I almost added but chose not to. I wanted her to have more confidence in herself. "Exactly what makes this photo terrible?" I asked her, I thought that maybe if we broke this down and went into each problem deeply then it might work.

[Lotus]

~~Saga Gregorio

I shook my head and stared at the photo. I didn't see what was so great about it. I was only doing what I'd been told to do, and I hadn't really seen the point in it then. It was a silly idea in the first place and looking back at it now it was just getting worse.

I looked up to Ash slowly and shook my head slightly. "It's just terrible... It's a stupid concept and I look fake..." I reached out and pointed to it, glaring at the image of myself. "That's not me..." I sat back and cuddled into his lap, hiding from the photo. "Next one..."

[Deleted]

Ash Faulkner~~

I suppressed my sigh. I wanted Saga to see that every photo of her was great just because they had her in it; but I could see now that it was going to be a lot harder than I though. I wrapped my arm around her tighter and kissed the top of her head again after smoothing down her hair.

"ok Saga... it may not be something that you would do... but that doesn't mean that you look fake," I said softly but I decided to move onto the next one. I pointed at the next photo with Saga in it. "Ok, how about you go first this time? What's wrong with this one?" I asked gently.

[Lotus]

~~Saga Gregorio

I sighed and shut my eyes as he turned the page. When he asked about it I slowly opened them and stared at the photo. I was twirling around, in a supposed field with my dress flying out around me. It was, once again, dreadful, but the lighting and backdrop was nice. There was at least one thing positive about it.

I sighed and stared at it as I spoke. "I look stupid and dumb. The backdrop is nice though." I looked into his eyes as I felt him shrink down a little; defeated. "There, I did say something good..."

[Deleted]

Ash Faulkner~~

I smiled softly. It wasn't the response I had wanted to hear. She may have said something positive but it wasn't about herself and what good is it that the background was nice when I wanted Saga to love herself. "You did... but not about you.." I whispered back.

I looked at the photo again, reaching out and putting a finger against the Saga on the page. I smiled. "see, when I look at this photo... I see a beautiful girl... she's happy... and she's you..." I said slowly. I put my hand under Saga's chin and lifted her face up so she was looking at me. "And she's happy not because of the background, or the pose, or even the dress, but because of the way her smile lights up her eyes so that they twinkle as if they are hiding a secret. But a good secret, as in a secret about the boy she loves... and she's beautiful because when you look at her you can't help but smile back... and Saga, that girls is you and I love her," I said slowly and quietly. I looked into Saga's eyes and lent down as if to kiss her. But I constrained myself, I would wait to see if she would kiss me.

[Lotus]

~~Saga Gregorio

I sighed and looked away from him. My mind was far too hectic to be dealing with stupid photos of myself. "See what you want Ash." Even though I didn't want to see the photos I reached out and turned the page. It was of me sitting on a bench, not smiling but gazing at someone or something. I looked content.

"Do we have to analyse every one? Just look... I'll only be wrong with what I say..."

[Deleted]

Ash Faulkner~~

I began to worry about Saga again, especially after what she said. I knew that something wasn't right anyways, but she seemed far away now. As if she didn't want to hear me, or be near me. I didn't know how I could bring her back. I had tried to make her less upset and feel better, but that wasn't working. I chewed my lip in worry.

I nodded my head slowly. Maybe she was right, I was being patronising with all of this and it wasn't getting through to her anyway. I was probably just annoying her. I looked down at the photo of her and gave a small smile. "You're not wrong... just not seeing all the possibilities in the photos.... only what you've lost..." I said very quietly, I didn't know if she would hear me or even listen. I looked at the photo, I was at a loss as to what to do to help her and that hurt me more than the attacks had.

[Lotus]

~~Saga Gregorio

I leaned into him, still holding on to that one photo he'd kept. That was me, but I needed to look at these photos properly and face whatever I was scared or angry about. I looked up at him as I brought the book into my lap and held the corner of the page.

"Together?" Maybe I would see some good in these photos, if he stayed.

[Deleted]

Ash Faulkner~~

I smiled then, she seemed more ready to try and do this with me. Maybe I could make things better? If I kept on trying anyway. I pulled her closer to me and held her tight. I wasn't going to give up trying and I wanted her to know that. I looked into her eyes and put my hand on top of hers.

"Come on then," I said softly, pulling the page back with her so that we could look at the next photo together. I smiled when I saw it but I watched Saga's face for her reaction.

[Lotus]

~~Saga Gregorio

I turned the page, with Ash's help, but my hand was still shaking. I took a deep breath before I properly looked at the photo. I was still sitting on the bench, but this time I was staring straight at the camera. No smile, no nothing. I wanted to pull a face, but I tried to keep calm for Ash.

I pointed at my face and said, "Is that really my serious face?" I felt the corners of my mouth try to pull up as I saw the changing of emotions spread across his face. Yes, I could do this.

[Deleted]

Ash Faulkner~~

I smiled a little at her comment. I was pleased to say that it wasn't completely negative but it wasn't exactly positive either. But if she could laugh at herself then I guess that was a good thing. Wasn't it?! I saw her start to smile, although it was just a little bit, I really hoped that it was genuine.

I kissed the top of her head. "I think that's more of your 'You caught me off guard' face!" I said playfully. "This is your more serious face," I said cheekily, looking down at Saga, keeping my mouth a flat line and my eyes looking down through the lids. I tried to look a little like I was joking. I really hoped that she wouldn't be offended.

[Lotus]

~~Saga Gregorio

Her smile widened by the tiniest fraction at his attempt to mimic her. "If I look like that then I have serious issues." A disjointed laugh came from within but I smiled nonetheless. "I mean. Look like you. No way."

I turned back to look at the photo and this time my own shaky hand turned the page. I shut my eyes and turned away. "What's this one?"